Episode 12 - Meghan's Experience with an Eating Disorder

On episode 12 of This Girl Puts out, Meghan shares her experience with an eating disorder, that plagued her from her late high school years throughout college. She shares what triggered her illness, how it affected her life, health and family, her intimate thoughts, as well as her road to recovery. Today, my guest is a pediatrician, and passionate about sharing her story in the hopes of helping others. 

For information on eating disorders from the American Academy of Family Physicians, as well as a list of other resources, please visit: https://www.aafp.org/afp/2015/0101/afp20150101p46-s1.pdf

 

Transcript

Hi and thanks for tuning in. This is Karm from TGPO. Before this episode begins, I need to let you know, we encountered some digital interference in the first 10 minutes of this recording. Unfortunately, it wasn’t discovered until editing. After discussion with my guest and the podcast community, and In the spirit of life and technology being perfectly imperfect (my guest’s words), we’ve decided to publish the episode unedited, warts and all. There is static for the first 10 minutes of the episode, with a really bad section at about 3:00 minutes. Most of the 10 minutes is still very listenable. And the episode is so good, we felt re-recording would diminish the authenticity of the discussion. I’ve included a transcription in the episode description just in case you need it. So I really hope you hang in there with us. My guest today is super special, and is really hoping to help some people. We appreciate your understanding.

 

Welcome everybody to TGPO, episode #12. Today we are going to be discussing my guest’s experience with an eating disorder.

 

I do have one disclaimer. The information you are about to hear is for educational purposes only. It is not to be substituted for medical advice. Listeners that have any concerns about eating disorders should contact their healthcare providers. There is a link to the American Academy of Family Physicians brochure on eating disorders in my podcast description, and I will give you the website at the end of our discussion today.

 

Our guest today just happens to be a physician. But today she is just a woman, sharing a very intimate experience with all of you. Welcome Meghan.

 

M: Hi, thank you for having me.

 

K: Thank you for joining us, we’re going to dive right in. Tell us a little bit about yourself.

 

M: I am Meghan Jacobs, I am a pediatrician. I work at a children’s hospital, and I take care of inpatients, so kids that are sick enough to be in the hospital but not quite sick enough to need ICU level care. I’m from Lewiston, I have a wonderful, wonderful family that I moved home to be around. I love having nieces and nephews to hug and kiss and love on, and that’s pretty much me.

 

K: Nice, and you have a new addition to your family

 

M: I do, I have a new puppy who I love, love, love. He’s brought so much joy, Jethro.

 

K: I love his name, great name. OK so, did you always want to be a pediatrician?

 

M: Absolutely, my mom says that since I was old enough to talk it was the only thing I ever said, and I certainly don’t remember wanting to do anything differently. I guess I thank my pediatrician from growing up for that. I always thought he did something amazing, and I wanted to do the same thing. I never wanted to do anything different.

 

K: That’s unusual, that’s wonderful to have known back then. My son wants to be twelve things right now.

 

M: I didn’t always know what type of pediatrician I wanted to be, depending on when you asked me, I would have said something totally different, but I always knew pediatrician for sure.

 

K: Awesome. My pediatrician smoked cigars in his office. All I remember is the smoke. We would leave the examination room, and the nurse would say OK you can go back to his office. Where you would sit in the middle of all that smoke. One of the things that stuck out in my mind is that his daughter was a nurse, and he had a picture of her graduation on his desk. I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, but I could only see her through the smoke.

 

M: What a lovely example. (humorous)

 

K: Anyway, so you went to college, you enrolled right from high school and how did you deal with the pressures of school?

 

M: I guess, dealing with the pressures of school is an interesting question for me because I've been going to school for so long, you know becoming physician takes a really long time, and you go to lots of different stages and lots of different types of school, and I definitely think I got better with coping with school as time went on, but when I was young and only out of high school I wasn't all that great with it and actually, the story starts even before that when I was in high school. I was a rower. I did crew and I took it very seriously like most things in my life I achieve for the highest rank and the best in everything. I took rowing the same way and I was a three times state champion and that was wonderful and something I still am very proud of. But my last year of high school, when I was rowing. I’m very short for a rower, I’m only 5’3”. Rowers are much taller. I was told by my coach that if I were rowed light weight I would be more competitive and more attractive to colleges during the recruitment process. And just a disclaimer from my end, my coaches were wonderful, careful, they were never mentoring me to lose weight or gain or do any of those things. They were just trying to give me the best shot at what my dreams were. And so, I was like yeah I can do that, I wasn’t that far away from it, it wasn’t like I was going to have to do anything substantial. I was already practicing 5 to 6 days a week, as part of my regular rowing career, and so I started restricting and that was because I really was not aware of nutrition, I didn’t know about it, and that was the way I though everyone lost weight. And so during my senior year of high school I did restrict quite a bit to become a light weight rower and I did it without much of a problem, and I continued it with a  high level of athleticism and I continued doing great, and I think that right then, I would've called myself healthy. But the more I went through the college recruitment process, I already knew my dream was to be a physician, it was not to become an Olympic rower. So I decided not to row in college, and decided to take myself out of the recruitment process because I wanted to be able to focus on academics. That's when I feel that now looking back I had the fear of, now you're going to gain weight. You are not rowing anymore. And part of me, my identity, when I stopped doing something that I loved, and then I went to college and I was away from my family, and I would like to think that I was a pretty independent kid but the transition from home to not home was a big one. I felt pretty out of control. And the more out of control I felt, the more I realized that by restricting [food intake] I could take control. And so, I did. And the more weight I lost and the more I was able to restrict, the better I felt. It was almost, for lack of a better term, a high. I would weigh myself 3, 4, 5, 6 times a day, and I would love the lowest number I saw. And it would be a good thing for me. So, clearly, when I went to college I was not coping that well. And you know, as the story goes on, we will get into it, I certainly think my coping skills got better. But at that moment, my way of coping was restricting [food].

 

K: So it wasn't like you were saying to yourself, I'm going to control something in my life by restricting. You were just doing it because it felt good.

 

M: Oh absolutely, now I can kind of look back and realize that’s what I was doing but in the moment, it just felt great. It felt totally mine and that number, I can still remember the scale so many times a day, thinking about that number and looking at that number.

 

K: You brought up another good point, you mentioned that you didn't know a lot about nutrition. You just knew that you exercised a lot and that was a way to keep your weight in check. I think as medical people to we just presume that people have the same amount of knowledge about what's a carb, what's a fat, what's a protein that we do, and they don't. I think it's so much better now than it used to be. I've literally been on a diet since fourth grade so I knew that stuff very early. But I thought everybody did and they don’t.

 

M: I would say certainly when I stopped rowing and all these things kind of came together, that's when it really hit its height in my life. But to your point, even now looking back I am a curvy person. I love my curves now but I remember growing up and always comparing myself to others and thinking that my curves were not good or made me bigger. And now I look at pictures from when I was a little kid and I'm standing in a group of my best friends from then, I'm like I really wasn't that much bigger. It just seemed like it in my head, so yeah I think it's some thing that perseverates through all culture and society.

 

K: Being away from school, being away from rowing for the first time you had a lot of things actually stacked against you. That's a lot of tough stuff for a young kid to deal with. We are just not copers at that age, we are just not. So, when did you know there was a problem?

 

M: Did I know there was a problem? Probably not. Like I said, at that time, I loved what I was doing and I thought this was the best there was. I even learned little tricks which is terrible now looking back, but I learned the tricks. Friends and I, we were all in college and all had different schedules. But we always would eat together and that was our thing, we met at the same time to eat dinner together, so I knew I couldn't hide then. I knew I had to eat some thing then. But it was the other times of the day, they didn't really know that that was probably the only thing I was putting in my mouth that day. For breakfast and lunch I could hide it. But dinner, I wasn't able to hide. I didn't really ever admit, now I certainly would but, I then I did not admit I had a problem. My friends went to my parents, and my parents fairly quickly kind of came down on me and were like, this is not happening. We are not doing this. They knew that the one thing as I said, my only goal in life was to be a pediatrician. So they knew that pulling me out of school would have been a big threat for me because I loved school. That was my goal. And so I remember my dad looking at me and saying, I will pull you out of school. You will not do this. You are going to be healthy and you are going to go where you want to go but I will pull you out of school and this will stop until you are healthy to do it. And for me, that was like no, I can’t stop school. And so, from there, I begrudgingly agreed to go and get some help.

 

K: So, was there period of time between when you knew, I mean, you knew something was wrong right? If you're playing games about when you're going to eat in front of people, you know there's something wrong right?. So I guess how long before they went to your parents, how long was it bad before they went to your parents?

 

M: Probably I would say six months. And I knew right? Everyone knows right, you can sense when you're not, I mean I come from a gigantic family where food is a part of our culture and so for me, not wanting to ever indulge in anything, that was wrong, and I knew it. But admitting it is a whole other ball game.

 

K; Well I had a question here, it says, what thoughts were going through your mind at the time but I think you've already answered that. It was like a high for you, that's what was going through your mind.

 

M: Absolutely, it felt great. But I also remember my family's reactions. And to me now, that's what still hurts. I don't actually care that I hurt my own body because I'm essentially healthy now and that came around, but it hurts me that I hurt them. My siblings are two of my best friends in the world and I remember my brother, I'm the baby, I've been babied my whole life and I love it. But I remember my brother who is seven years older than me and has always treated me almost like a daughter figure. He's always protective of me. I remember him looking at me after we admitted that there was something going on and telling me that it was like I was running into oncoming traffic, but he couldn't stop me. He couldn't pull my arm, he couldn't jump in front of me, and he couldn't yell to tell me to stop running.

And that's the reason, even now so many years later that I still remember him looking me in the eye and saying that. And he's funny, loving, but he's not one to share those emotional sides. To hear him say that, that was one of the moments that I said, I’ve got to stop, you're right.

 

K: It was more than the threat of school. That was very impactful. I know you are paraphrasing what your parents said, but did they presume that you had some control over this. Did they? Or did they say, she's got a sickness?

 

M: I don’t know I guess. They definitely thought that there was something they could make me eat. And the thing about this is that once people realize that you have an eating problem it's like living in a fishbowl where everyone is watching you eat and it makes it worse by the way. People are being so mindful of what you're eating it's like OK I get it. But that went on for years, and that was not out of fault, it was out of love. They wanted to make sure that I was healthy when I was saying I was healthy. But there was definitely a point specifically right when they came to my college which was actually the end of a semester right around Christmas. I was going home for winter break and my parents came to that dinner that I had with my friends and my friends were like, this is what we mean, this is what she's putting in her mouth. It's not a lot. And I remember sitting there and having my parents be like why don't you just eat this, or this? And I was sitting there saying, it's not that, I can't. It's the food. But as a parent, not that I am a parent, but now I realize that your job in life is to make sure that your kids are healthy and that they're growing and that they're getting nutrients. Seeing your child not want that, it must've felt awful. But yes I certainly think there was a time when they thought, why don't you just eat? Do it.

 

K: So that period of time, when they became aware, they coped by just telling you, this is what you are going to do. They took control of the situation. Is it fair to say that that's how they coped, they just took over?

 

M: Oh absolutely. My sister, when I told her I was doing this, she was like, are you gonna talk about how mom and dad just dropped you off at counseling and just hoped for the best. And I said well, probably, it's probably going to come up. And that is exactly what it was. I was somewhat lucky in the sense that I was home for winter break and I had that month to try to get control over some of this. But literally, that was what they did. They were like, we are done, we are going here, and one day they just dropped me off. My sister likes to be dramatic and say it was Christmas day, it wasn't but it was very close it might've been the 26th.

 

K; She remembers maybe that you monopolized that Christmas that year. Because it was a family thing. I had a similar experience when my sister Joanne and we first discovered she had an anxiety disorder. I remember the time of year, I remember everything about it because it loomed over our house, it permeated over everybody. So what was treatment like?

 

M: So I was somewhat of a bad patient which I guess all doctors are bad patients so I guess I lived up to that even before I was a doctor. But when I went to group sessions I would learn other peoples tricks. So I spoke about how I had tricks, how I had things and how I made it seem like I may have been having a full meal but I would hear other people talk about their tricks and I would think, oh that's actually a great idea. And I would take home and start learning other peoples tricks. I also had individual counseling and my individual counselor quickly realized I was only going to group sessions to learn tricks. So I did most of my treatment through individual counseling. It was just one counselor I had a great relationship with, it was a great therapeutic relationship and she really helped me see the light in a lot of ways. Like, my thoughts and reality and bringing those two together because they could not have been further from each other in that moment. We also had a few sessions where my family came and I think that was one, healing for me, but also healing for them. I also think it was a time where they realizes that it wasn't just Meghan why don't you just eat, just do it. It was a lot more. And I think up until that point they would say like "Meghan's problem". Not that it hurt my feelings, that's what I thought too but I think hearing the counselor say stop calling this Meghan's problem, because this is not Meghan's problem, it also goes deeper than a problem.

 

K: In order for therapy to work, you have to be honest. It sounds like in the beginning, maybe you weren’t.

 

M: I wasn’t I was terrible. I remember I said to my parents if you had just threatened therapy I would have gotten better and it wasn't until it was one of the family sessions when my parents said, hey, remember when you said if we had just threatened that she would have gotten better? That was a total lie, I would not have gotten better.

 

K: So who called you out, your therapist?

 

M: Both yes I think she said, perception and reality are not the same. But it was actually my parents who said remember when you said that? But it was probably her moment of saying yeah that was probably not true, right Meghan? And I was like yeah that wasn't.

 

K: How long did you get treatment for?

 

M: Intensively for that whole month while I was home. Because I still had a goal that I was going to finish school. I wasn't going to take a break. So with her, intensively, several times a week for that month. For four straight weeks, I was seeing her almost daily. And then when I went back to school, she set me up with a counselor at school, and did a sign out.

I didn't have as great a relationship because it just wasn't as often, with the one at school, so I think I only saw them a few times. But I still spoke to her over the phone quite a few times for at least another four months at least I would say. Zoom didn't exist back then. But I certainly did do phone visits for about four more months.

 

K: it's kind of incredible you connected with the therapist and were able to get that work done. For some people it takes them multiple therapists to even find connection or chemistry. So thank goodness, that happened for you. All right, so you're on the other side of it, you're finished with school, is this something that on the day you graduated from medical school is this something that you think about? Is that part of you now?

 

M: I thought about the day I graduated from medical school which is probably one of the greatest days of my life. But I didn't think of this which I'm actually glad about. Since this was my first year of college, I would say for at least the rest of college I still had thoughts all the time, all the time. You're putting this in your mouth, how many calories are in that, how do you do this? Luckily those thoughts were just thoughts, I had my eye on the prize, I knew I needed to eat, I knew I needed nutrition, and calories and other things that my brain needs to keep learning new things. And so I would say through most of college I thought about it a lot. And then when I went to medical school I think some of it was knowledge is power. I started to learn about nutrition in a real way and it just kind of faded away in the sense that I didn't think about it every day, and those four long years of medical school, I really had gone away by the time I had graduated medical school. In the sense of the thoughts. Yeah that day was so awesome, what a great day. It was really hot though and we were wearing those robes and I was dying of heat. But my family was all there in the first time you get called Dr. Meghan Jacobs I literally even among the crowd of people I could hear my family. They were there, like it was just them. And then I went into residency, where it's really hard because in residency you work 80 hours a week. It's just about the most unhealthy time of anyone's life. You're working 80 hours a week you're a doctor for the first time, you're worried about patients for the first time. We were the people that did everything and we had to worry about everything and it was an unhealthy time. And I gained a ton of weight. Now looking back, I'm surprised it didn't scare me more but I think I was just preoccupied with being a doctor that I didn't have time to think about how much weight I had gained. And then I moved home, and I was studying for my boards, and I gained even more weight because I was studying for my boards and I was just eating and working and it was my first time as an attending. And it was the first time I felt the real responsibility that all the weight was on me. Ultimately it's my license. It's my decisions, I’m the one making the call. It was the first time in my medical life where I couldn't look behind me and be like, this is what I'm gonna do right? There's no one behind me to say yes that's what you're gonna do. And so I gained a lot of weight. And I think I started making comments that maybe my sister was the one to pick up on the most , not that I was restricting but that I was unhappy. I was unhappy with my body, I was unhappy with the way I looked. My sister was the first want to come to me and she was like listen, I have not been the happiest with my body since I've had two kids either but but we are not doing this again, so we are doing this together.

So we're going to do it the right way, and we're gonna lose weight, but we're going to keep tabs on one another. So I for example don't have a scale in my house. My sister has a scale in her house that I have used through the process of losing weight but I just can't do it. Because it just would be a risk for me. And so we would weigh ourselves as part of the process but only once a week. And we were very strict on that, and again we did it the right way. I watched my nutrition. I joined a gym of people that I have really become very close with. And I love going there and spending time with them. I feel a connection to them. It's a small little boutique gym so I see the same people every time. Same coaches every time, but I love it. And over the last year and a half, I've been able to lose all the weight I needed to to get back to my healthy weight. And I have not restricted ones, I have not even thought of restricting ones. I even indulge every now and then when I'm at a party or whatever. And it's felt good. For the first time, this is the first time in my life where I can say I have a very healthy relationship with food and it feels good. And with my body, I am happy where I am.

 

K; was there ever such a dark moment where you thought, that the restriction and what you were doing was worth sacrificing school?

 

M: Oh absolutely, yeah. And I also remember being 18 and having the attitude of the world and challenging my parents. You can't pull me out, I'm 18, I can do whatever I want, I remember thinking they just don't know. I do. But oh absolutely many times I thought you’re just wrong, you just don't get it. And it's so funny to me I always say that the me of then and the me of now could not be more different. It's like it was yesterday at the same time but I can't actually relate at all to that person. It's really interesting to be able to see such a disconnect, I think some of that is actually wearing the physician hat, and I've seen other people go through this and as an outsiders perspective it's like, oh I get it now. I actually get it more. I've always been very strict in my physician role but it's certainly interesting

to see it. And now I see what my family was going through, they were so scared and those things…

 

K: I'm sure it makes you better in your work.

 

M: I hope so, I hope it gives me perspective.

 

K: So, no more thoughts and behaviors. They don't cross your mind anymore, you've made that clear. We've already talked about looking back at that time in your life, you just described that it was like looking at somebody else. We all have pieces of us that are pieces of our identity. It's usually like celebratory things are traumatic things or illness related things. Do you think that that is part of you?

 

M: Oh absolutely. I think as long as I was still having the thoughts, even if I wasn't following them as long as I was still having them it was almost a shame. It was almost shameful that I couldn't control, that I couldn't stop them. And I think so for a long time I felt ashamed of it and a lot of that I would not want to talk about or share with new people that I met. And it's not like every person I meet I’m like, hi I am Meghan, I used to have an eating disorder. That's not how I approach my life. But it's not something I'm ashamed of it in any way, I am proud of it. Knowing that eating disorder, specifically anorexia is actually the most fatal of all mental health concerns I got through it. I am lucky, that's not how a lot of peoples’ cases go and that makes me terribly sad that a lot of people don't survive this. But I did. And I am so proud of that, but I am also not ashamed to share it because if sharing it can help someone, I'm here to do that.

 

K: My hope is that this will be part of that plan.

 

M: I hope so.

 

K: Is there anything else you think would be important to share maybe for somebody listening who might be suffering, or maybe parents of someone who is suffering?

 

M: I would say, just as you said, you do know when something is wrong. Whether you want to admit it, whether you want to feel it, because sometimes that's the hardest part. But you know it's there, and asking for help is generally the first step and often the hardest of the steps you’ll make, or for a parent or loved family member of someone, I would say calling them out is often hard and they may not be receptive but calling them out, and knowing how my family’s love and knowing that's where that all came from is really what change this for me. And so, it's not easy. It's a long journey. But it can help and make a big difference.

 

K: Thank you.

 

M: Thank you for having me.

 

K: That seems like a great place to wrap up. Meghan really thank you for having the courage to do this and wanting to help others. I mean that's what you do. But this is just another way for you to do it but it definitely takes courage to do this so my listeners and I wish you the very best in life and work. The link to the brochure is going to be in the description of the podcast. The American Academy family of physicians website is aafp.org. You could actually just go to that website and search eating disorders if you can't get to the link through the podcast description. Thank you listeners. I appreciate everyone being a part of this project and being a part of this special podcast today. Until next time, stay well. This girl puts out is officially signing off. Thank you.